The Hardest Part of Becoming a Mother

I've been asked many times since becoming a mom what the best thing about this job is, and also what the hardest thing is. The best thing is changing constantly, because with each new thing my sweet boy does, my concept of "the best" just grows and evolves into something different and amazing each day. As for one of the hardest things, learning how to breastfeed was definitely one of them.

The night Jackson was born, I got the chance to breastfeed him about 45 minutes after he was placed in my arms. I was nervous; not because I thought it would hurt, but because of the newness of the experience. I basically had no idea what I was doing. My OB and finished stitching me up, and one of the nurses brought him back to me after washing him off and wrapping him up. I remember asking if I should try to feed him, and she replied, "Sure, if you want to," very nonchalantly. Immediately I questioned if I was doing the right thing. Everything I had read said that it was important and a beautiful experience to breastfeed within hours of birth, but the nurse acted like it was no big deal. She did stay next to me as I fumbled around and adjusted the baby. He acted like he really wanted to eat, but he couldn't quite latch correctly. I fervently looked from my husband to the nurse begging for help, and the nurse finally said, "Here, try this." She handed me a nipple shield, squirted some sugar water on it, and after some more trial and error, he latched on. I was thrilled!

For the two days that we were in the hospital, he would latch with and without the nipple shield. I worked hard to make him not get dependent on the shield, but when we got home, he would get upset and cry when he was hungry and couldn't latch without the shield. Soon, we were using it every time he nursed. I felt like a failure because I couldn't breastfeed like "normal." I broke down and bought two more shields because I was terrified of losing the shield and my baby screaming in hunger. Every time we left the house my husband learned to ask, "Do you have the shields?" Bless his heart. 

On top of the shield issue, Jax would take almost an hour to nurse each time. I felt like I was trapped feeding him in the bedroom when we had company over, or locked in the car at a restaurant. Then at three weeks when he went through a growth spurt...oh.my.word. I told my hubs at least fifty ten times that I was going to quit. For some reason though, I didn't. I stuck it out. 

Then, things got better. After about two months, Jackson got faster at nursing. I became more comfortable. Breastfeed in front of female company? Sure thing. Breastfeed in the car at McDonalds? No big deal. Thank you windshield sun visor and tinted windows. 

Just in this last week, Jackson has started not using the nipple shields anymore. But you know what? If he had used them the entire time, I wouldn't have cared. I learned that just because using nipple shields wasn't the "normal" thing to do, using them didn't make me any less of a mom. I was doing my best to feed my baby, and he was thriving using those shields. His pediatrician told me something similar. She said, "He's eating. He's growing. Use them for as long as you need to!" 

::This:: is all that matters.

So, if you're a new mom, experienced mom, or even mom-to-be, don't let anyone make you feel bad if you have to go in an unconventional route to feed your baby. Who cares if you breastfeed, formula feed, use nipple shields, or exclusively pump. You are taking care of your baby that the Lord has blessed you with. Do what you have to to make sure they are healthy and growing. Remember (and I say this to myself as well), you are a great mom.